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Cloistered Homeschool Syndrome and Patriarchal Dysfunctional Families
By Julie | November 10, 2008
A friend of mine loaned me a magazine a couple days ago called, “NGJ Ministries”. I just looked up their website and found NGJ stands for “No Greater Joy”. The front of the magazine references 3 John 4: “I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth.” That’s the goal Marc and I are working toward for our family, so my curiosity was piqued.
The Syndrome: In it, I read an article called “Cloistered Homeschool Syndrome” by Michael & Debi Pearl. I had no idea what that title meant. What I get from the article is “patriarchal families” believe the father and mother are the heads of the family until the children marry and leave the home. If marriage happens when the kids reach adulthood the children leave home to live with their spouse. But, if marriage does not happen until later, the children are not permitted to leave. The men help their fathers; the women help their mothers. I get the feeling that especially women are not allowed to work, or have experiences outside of the home unless they are approved by their parents. These are not children told to stay home; they are adults in their 20’s, and maybe even 30’s or 40’s. These are adults who are not allowed to be accountable and make their own decisions. The term “cloistered homeschool syndrome” comes in because many of these patriarchal families are homeschooling families. Here are a couple paragraphs from the article:
…We call it by different names. Today it is the Cloistered Homeschooled Syndrome. Briefly, it is the failure of the parents to understand, appreciate, and respect the individuality of their adult children. They sacrifice the individual identities of their children on the altar of their own emotional needs, making them nurse when they should be killing and dressing their own food, making them obey when they should be learning to command. They seem to think that grown children are God’s gift to them rather than their gift to God. Through letters and personal contact, we see more and more of this cult-like isolationism, parents demanding absolute allegiance to the family group, and fearing outside contact might break up their “fellowship.” Adult kids who want to launch out on their own are told that they are rebellious and disloyal and are causing grief to those who have nurtured them. Emotionally needy parents manipulate their grown children into remaining loyal to the unit. Thirty-year-old daughters sit at home acting as surrogate mothers, watching their prospects to ever be a mother dwindle.
Is it really a problem? It seemed so strange to me, because this is the exact opposite of how I was raised, and how I’ve lived. I left home a few weeks after high school graduation, with my mother’s blessing. I never had plans to marry or have kids. But, God got a hold of my life and changed it. I’m blessed for it. But I was never told as a child I’d live at home until my prince charming came along. I never wanted a prince, I wanted a job. I had no idea some parents expect to keep their adult kids at home.
True Life Experiences: The “NGJ” wrote a follow up to this article entitled: “Patriarchal Dysfunctional Families, Part 2″ This article further points out how real the problem is, it has printed several letters written in the response they got to their initial write up. One was from a doctor explaining how damaging the problem is to the health of these young adults. Another man wrote his story of leaving dysfunction only to be alienated by his siblings and parents. One letter explains siblings who fought to leave home as adults and are no longer permitted to see their parents or younger siblings. There were several more people sharing their stories. Over and over these letters mention guilt felt by people trying to lead the lives God wants for them, rather then living the life their parents want. Other letters are from grown adults, who long to leave home and make their own decisions, but cannot reconcile if it would be a sin to go against their parents’ wishes. The Pearls do a wonderful job of filling the article with scripture to show this kind of living, and guilt were not what God wanted for adults. They also point out that the words “honor” and “obey” are not synonymous. Rather, honor tells us to respect.
Observations: I know one family with adult children living at home. I cannot say for sure their reasons. Was it a command, an expectation of their father, or some other reason? I’m not sure. The oldest son married when he was almost 30. In his first year of marriage circumstances happened the new husband and his father were not happy with. The new husband lied to his friends and church family. I’m told his wife did not want to lie, she was instructed to be “submissive” to her husband, who was being “obedient” to his father. She lied to her church family, biological family, and many friends. Did they do this to “honor” the husband’s father? As Christians we are supposed to obey God’s law, first. A father-in-law (or any outside family) controlling a marriage does not allow the union to function as God sanctioned. I wonder, in these patriarchal families, does the command of obedience ever end with marriage, or does the main family still control the new marriage? If so, can the marriage accomplish God’s will?
The parenting goal: The Pearls had a sentence that very eloquently states the roll of parenting: The glory of a parent is to work himself out of a job, to stand back and see his kids fly solo.
It will be hard when my kids leave home. I’ll miss them terribly, and I’ll worry for them. But, ultimately that’s the job. I don’t want to clip their wings; I want them to expand themselves, and their God-given talents to soar. I’ll pray like crazy for them when I worry, that’s also my job. I may struggle with letting go. But I do have to let go. And, at that point in my life, God will call me to my next journey.
How do we know?: It must be a fine line between holding on too tightly, and not holding on enough. As parents, how do we find the right balance?
Topics: Life and Living | 4 Comments »
November 10th, 2008 at 6:21 pm
I came across your blog through Google alerts. I saw this NGJ issue last month. Kinda wish’d I’d seen the Part 1. Oh well…
I actually know a family whom I would label with this syndrome.
We’re like you, love the kids, like ‘em around, like to be around ‘em. Can’t wait to see them grow up and leave.
November 15th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
Thanks for your comments, Christy. Sorry it’s taken so long to respond, I’ve got an annoying cold this week. I just wanted to let you know Part 1 of this article is online at NGJ. Here’s the link if you want to read it: http://www.nogreaterjoy.org/articles/general-view/archive/2008/august/13/cloistered-homeschool-syndrome/
Also, I took at look at your website. I loved your statement “The truth is true no matter what you believe.”
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June 15th, 2009 at 10:00 pm
God does not make “cookie cutter Christians”, meaning each christian has to follow the individual path God has laid out for them….It is a personal relationship and we do not always follow closely, sometimes not at all. For some missionaries, they chose to leave behind their one or two children to let others raise them as they felt led by God into deepest darkest jungles to spread the Gospel.
In my case, with my husband suffering illness after illness in our 30 plus yrs of marriage, we felt no kids was best for our situation. I never wanted any anyway, so God had already made someone to be my husband’s life partner.
Joni Eareckson, a vibrant Christian, lives her life in a wheel chair after being crippled in a diving accident as a young woman. God gave her a husband who loves her deeply but they have no children.
Jesus never married nor had children as He was about HIs father’s business.
The problem is that sometimes we think that what God wants in our life is what He wants for every other christian, then we mistakenly try to put those ways of living on others as being the only way. Remember, there was only one Moses who led the Israelites out of Egypt, one Noah, one flood, only one David who slew Goliath, and one Mary who was visited by the Holy Spirit to become pregnant with Jesus.
I once helped a family much like the Duggars homeschool as they were on their way to having 12 kids. The wife said to me all she could ever think of as she was growing up was having babies. I told her all I could ever think of as I was growing up was having horses, which God has blessed me with 3.