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How to Simulate Shipboard Life at Home
By Marc | July 28, 2008
First off: I did not write this little list. When I was in the Navy, this was one of those things that floated around the ship for who knows how long. The copy I saw was set on a typewriter and photocopied (poorly) so many times it was barely readable. In order to preserve its contents, I typeset it into a nice neat little brochure and made probably a hundred copies. Yesterday I was looking though some old things and found my remaining stack of them.
I know there are various versions on the internet for shipboard simulation, but this is the one I know from my days in.
- When commencing this simulation, remember to lock yourself inside and board up all windows with all friends and family outside, communicating only with letters that your neighbors will hold for two weeks before delivering; losing one out of every five. Have a friend or neighbor yell, “Mail Call!” at your door, four out of five times saying, “You didn’t get anything.”
- Surround yourself with 300 people you don’t like: people who chain smoke, fart loudly, snore like a Mack truck on an uphill grade, complain constantly, seldom shower or brush their teeth, and use expletives in speech the way kids use sugar on cold cereal.
- Unplug all radios and televisions to completely cut yourself off from the outside world. Have a neighbor bring you a Time or a Newsweek magazine from 2 or 3 months ago, and Playboy with all the pictures cut out.
- Monitor all operating home appliances hourly, recording all vital parameters (plugged in, light functions when door opens, etc.). If not in use, log appliance as secured.
- Do not flush the toilets for the first three days, to simulate the smell of forty people using the same commode. After that, flush once daily. Shower water should be either all hot or all cold. When you get all soaped up, (soap on face, shampoo in hair), have your neighbor shut off all the water.
- Wear only approved coveralls or proper uniform (no special or cut off T-shirts). Even though nobody cares, once a week clean and press one uniform, in the dark, on a broken ironing board (or a toweled the floor) and wear it for 20 minutes while standing at attention. After this, change back into coveralls, catch and rip the sleeve on your shirt on a sharp object on your way to change, curse and yell. Then wad it up and throw it in the locker.
- Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you are bald or look like you tangled with a demented sheep-shearer. Have a friend or neighbor tell you to get a haircut at least once every other day, whether you need it or not.
- Work 18 hour cycles. Sleeping only four hours at a time, to ensure your body doesn’t know or care if it is day time or night time.
- Listen to your favorite cassette 6 times a day for two weeks. Then play music that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get back to your “favorite” cassette.
- Cut a twin mattress in half, lengthwise, and enclose the sides. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting in any position at all (10 inches is a good height), and place it on a platform so that it is at least 6 inches off the floor. Place a dead animal under your sheets to simulate the smell of your bunkmate’s laundry and sheets. Whenever possible, have someone take your pillow or blanket (or both), to simulate that special camaraderie that exists only on U.S. Navy vessels.
- Set your alarm clock to go off at the snooze interval for the first hour of sleep, to simulate alarms of watchstanders and night crew: going off at odd times and ensure that you are tossed from side to side for the remaining three hours. Alternately use custom alarm clocks that sound like a fire alarm, police whistle, and a punk rock band combined, to simulate various drill alarms onboard the ship, and so you will get accustomed to ignoring your alarm clock.
- Prepare all food while blindfolded, using all the spices that you can grope for, or none at all, to simulate shipboard food. Remove the blindfold and eat as fast as humanly possible. If the food does not stick to an inverted plate when cold, use more lard. If the food contains more than one part per thousand of fiber, dispose of it. Always take more than you can possibly eat, to keep up with the waste standards of the Navy.
- Periodically shut off all the power at the main breaker and lie face down on the floor with your hands on top of your head, while a friend or neighbor points a loaded rifle at you and repeatedly yells at the top of his voice “Get on the deck!” Continue this for at least 20 minutes to simulate Marine security drills.
- Buy a gas mask, smear the seal with rancid animal fat, scrub the lens with steel wool until you can’t see out of and wear it for two hours, every fifth day, even to the bathroom.
- Prepare yourself for an emergency that will require you to evacuate the premises knowing that if you exit, the biker gang that you hired will cut off your arms and legs to simulate sharks. Study a first aid book to learn how to handle wounds and control bleeding. Until you can quote it verbatim.
- Study the owner’s manual for all appliances in the dwelling. At regular intervals, take one apart, then put it back together again. Test its operation to the extreme of its tolerance.
- Remove all plants, pictures, and decorations. Paint all furnishings and walls gray, white, or the green shade of hospital O.R. smocks.
- To make sure you are living in a clean and happy environment, every week clean from top to bottom, working hard all day, even if it’s only a three hour job. Whenever, and as often as possible, repeating your efforts. Then have someone tell you that you missed some dust, and the floor looks like crap. When completed, have someone inspect your work, criticizing everything as much as possible. Never be satisfied with a good effort.
- Once a day put in a video (which you have prepared) to watch a movie you walked out on a year ago at the theater. Then watch an episode of “Charlie’s Angels” that you didn’t like the first two times you saw it, making sure to pause it just at the peak of the action so you can sweep the floor and listen to someone tell you what you did today.
- Since have no doctor, stock up on Band-Aids, aspirin and Actifed, which have been proven to cure every disease and ailment known to man.
- Every three weeks, to simulate liberty in a foreign port, go directly to the city slums, wearing your best clothes. Enter the raunchiest bar you can find and ask the bartender for the most expensive imported beer he carries. Drink as many of these as fast as you possibly can in four hours and then hire a cab to take you home by the longest route he can find. Tip the cab driver after he charges you double, because you were dressed funny, and lock yourself back in your dwelling for another three weeds.
- Run a blender at constant high speed, to simulate the constant whine of the ship’s machinery, and have the biker gang you hired bang on the roof and wails to simulate men working on other levels during all of the day and night.
- Buy the loudest stereo you can, tune it between channels on the receiver, and have the biker gang pound on the roof with sledgehammers to simulate the recovering and launching of aircraft.
- To achieve the permanent, smelly, gray, dingy look in your clothes, have the plumber connect the washer to the sewer lines. After washing, throw the wet clothing in a dark corner for 2 days before drying.
- This simulation must run for a minimum of 6 months to be effective. The exact date of the end of simulation will be changed no fewer than 7 times without your knowledge. This is done to keep you guessing as to when you can expect to get back to a semi-normal life. It is also done in hope of screwing up the plans you have made, or would like to make. On the last day of the simulation, remove the boards from the windows, but do not go outside. Have your loved ones stand outside, across the street, while you stand at attention for 4 hours, just looking at them.
Note: This simulation was designed for those who would like to, but haven’t had the opportunity to enjoy an extended period of time at sea.
Happy Sailing!
If you would like some more variations on this list, check here, here, here, here, and here. They all have some similarities, some are longer, and the wording also varies. Outstanding, shipmate!
Topics: Just for Fun, Tutorials |
July 28th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
I never appreciated the Army before.