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The Mommy Wars
By Julie | September 24, 2007
I have two sons, four, and 18 months. They do laundry. Both of them. Every morning after we’re dressed, and done with breakfast I say, “Who wants to do laundry?”
My 4 year old gets hysterical, “Laundry! We’re doing laundry. I love the laundry game!”
My 18 month old runs to our basement stairs and waits for me to open the gate. We hold hands as I guide him down the stairs.
My 4 year old beats us to the basement, giving me instructions before I reach the bottom. “Mommy, turn on the light. I take the clothes out of the dryer. I take the clothes out of the washer and put them in the dryer. Then I load the washer. And I do it by myself.”
I follow his instructions. And he goes to work. After he unloads the dryer he allows me to fold them. If I try before he’s done he says, “Wait. I need to do it!” The 4 year old does allow the 18 month old to help. But, sometimes the 18 month old runs off with a garment instead of putting it in the basket. Then the 4 year old chases him down, grabs it from his hand and says, “No. It goes in the basket!”
While my 4 year old puts the clothes in the dryer from the washer I fold the dried clothes. He tells me over and over, “This is my favorite game, Mommy. I’m doing a good job!” He has to climb on a step / stool and lean into the washer to get the clothes out. His head and upper body disappear inside while he grabs his handful, one item. He lets me help if there’s something on the bottom he can’t reach, otherwise I can’t touch.
My 18 month old is too young and short to unload the washer. He plays while the four year old and I do laundry. I usually finish folding before he’s done. Then I play with the 18 month until it’s time to load the washer. Sometimes I get impatient, feeling I have other things to do, I tell him he has to hurry or I’m going to finish. He screams, “No. I do it by myself!” Then he moves a little quicker.
When it’s time to load the washer, usually my 18 month old gives up on his toys and comes back to help. They each pick up a piece of laundry to put in the washer. My 18 month, even standing on the step / stool, is too short to see the top of the washer. I stand by and direct his stuff into the washer, but he won’t let me touch his garment until he has hoisted it to the top of the washer. The 4 year would not dream of letting me help him.
I have never taught them how to do the laundry. They are equally as ambitious with loading and unloading the dishwasher. My 18 month old heads to the bathroom, grabs the toilet brush, opens the lid, and starts swishing it around every time the door is left open. Both of them are obsessed with helping me sweep. If something is spilled on the floor, my 4 year old immediately grabs a towel to wipe it up. Then he sprays it with cleaner, and wipes that too. Occasionally when I dust, they want their own rags to help me.
I’m sure, in time they’ll lose their enthusiasm. I’m amazed by it now. The only cleaning I’ve really ever taught them was picking up their toys. That remains our biggest battle. They hate it, especially the 4 year old. A few times he resisted so badly I said he couldn’t help with laundry until his room was clean. He cleaned up much faster! He didn’t get it; he was doing all that work, to earn the privilege to do more work. To him, laundry is not work, it’s “The Laundry game!”
In 2007, a stay-at-home Mom is no longer the norm. I’ve had instances I know I’m looked down upon. Other times I’m treated like royalty, or an odd thing to behold. It’s funny, how these choices we make give us a status, or take it away. The other stay-at-home moms I know live two hours away, or more. Today, I watched my nephew because his day care worker was sick. His mom asked me yesterday if I could. I said, sure, I love my nephew, and love watching him play with my sons. We had a lot of fun. But it dawned on me: I am the only person I know who could accept to watch a 3 year old, without making adjustments, on a Monday morning and afternoon.
I’ve been pretty fortunate with family and friends, and haven’t had to battle the Mommy Wars much personally. I have a good group of people in my life who accept me as I am, and I really respect their decisions to either work, or stay home with their kids. But sometimes when everyone is rushing around, with lives completely scheduled, and I don’t know for sure if I’ll get a break from the kids to take a shower, I wish I had more people who could relate. Then a voice seeps into my head telling me, why are you sacrificing like this? Why? For your kids? Pfff! Let someone else take ‘em, be like everyone else.
Then I think of the little things, like, watching them do laundry. I have never taught either one of them to do laundry, to sweep, to scrub the toilet. But they do it. They do it willingly, and enjoy it. They do it the exact way they’ve seen me do it. They do it because they’ve watched me their entire lives, because I’ve been with them every day of their lives. To some people that wouldn’t be enough, the sacrifices would be too much, and that’s fine. Some people think a stay-at-home mom plops down on the couch and watches soaps all day, and doesn’t spend time with her kids. But watching my kids do laundry, joyfully, is like watching small seeds sprouting in them from my work, and their dad’s work, and our love for them.
I think the Mommy Wars have it wrong. Didn’t God hardwire us to be inclined to want certain things? For me, the thought of leaving my kids every day tears me up. But other women feel they are better moms because they work. They know they would feel trapped and unchallenged at home all day. By working, when they come home to their kids they have more to offer them as mothers. They feel their family is richer (I don’t mean just financially) because of the daily outlet to the world they have. Both sides require sacrifices, and both sides plant worthy seeds.
It is a blessing to be able to have a choice. Maybe we need to stop battling which side is doing what right or wrong, and treasure the fact we get to choose at all.
Topics: Encouragement, Life and Living | No Comments »
