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Bad prose corner episode 1: What was I thinking?
By Marc | September 17, 2007
I see the light coming up from the ashes
But it’s not for me.
It’s for the ones who already have it all.
Not for those with nothing but space for the light to fill.
They say we also have it all yet we have nothing but emptiness.
The void is growing larger with every passing second we are alone.
Soon it consumes us until we are reduced to mumbling fools.
But we can’t turn back from our state of the lost soul,
Once we are there it can only get worse and the emptiness compels us to lose hold of our dreams.
After we lose our dreams, they can never be retrieved.
And life goes on?
This little gem, like probably more I’ll vomit into the web from time to time, was written by me sometime between the ages of probably 15 to 17 (approx. 1985-1987). I was a depressed, artsy little nerd in high school. Aside from this, I had many personal problems, the least of which is skepticism of the hierarchy of society (read: high school society).
I’m going to attempt to get some biblical insight into these dripping piles of whiny angst. Maybe if I had truly accepted Christ earlier in my life, these may not have existed or at least been a little brighter (maybe even more informed). But they do exist, and as a sort of cleansing process, maybe I can rid my soul of them by exposing them for what they are: horrible bad depressing crap and cries for something better.
The Disciple and gospel writer, John, uses light and darkness to express things not of this world. Light symbolizes Jesus, holiness, the Presence. Darkness represents sin, fall from Grace, Satan. He uses this contrast so much, it’s almost like it’s his trademark.
In him was life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood (or overcome) it. There came a man who was sent from God; his name was John. He came as witness to testify concerning that light, so that through him all men might believe. He himself was not the light; he came only as a witness to the light. The true light that gives light to every man was coming into the world. – John1:4-9
When reading the above passage, you get the double use of light. Light for life and light for Jesus. Almost as if to say, “Jesus is life” or “Jesus is the light that gives the light of life”, which he is.
Then Jesus told them, “You are going to have the light just a little while longer. Walk while you have the light, before darkness overtakes you. The man who walks in the dark does not know where he is going.” – John 12:35
Without Jesus to show us how to defeat sin, defeat the darkness, we are doomed to wander aimlessly in a life of sin and away from God.
There are many flaws in that creative writing project I concocted so many years ago. Even though my symbolism of light was different from John’s, in some ways it was very similar. I used it, if I can remember correctly, to mean privilege, fortune, love.
Fortune may not be in everyone’s future, but privilege and love sure can be. I’m not meaning privilege as coming from a well-to-do family with very little of want. I mean being embraced by God as an adopted child. Having the rights and privileges of a first-born. And I don’t mean the love of a relative or the love of a mate. Those things some aren’t destined for. But we do have the love of the Father. Imagine the most incredible, most intimate, most unconditional love possible. But then crank that up to infinity. That is the love we are given. Even if our relationship is with our earthly parents isn’t very good, we know we always have that Heavenly Big Daddy who has, quite literally, given us the world.
And God’s love is for everyone. EVERYONE! It’s not just for a select few. It’s not just for the people who dress well for church, the people who are blessed with great health, good hair, or a quick mind. He loves us all! He sent his own Son to die for us. I hate to even see my little boys get an immunization shot. Can I do enough to show that love back? I couldn’t possibly, but I sure can try.
Again, in the Gospel of John, at the Passover feast:
As soon as Judas had taken the bread, he went out. And it was night. – John 13:30
He left the light and went into the darkness. Judas had let sin and Satan consume him. He chose the darkness and rejected the light of life found in Christ Jesus. This was pretty much the final step for him. The more intimate he became with his own greed, his own visions of grandeur, the darker and darker it became. Until it was “night” and he was stumbling in the blackness, no longer knowing what direction he was facing.
In the “poem” the lack of light leaves a void that keeps growing larger until we are consumed by it. I say that I wasn’t meant to have that light even though I’m told I can have it, because I am just like them. I don’t believe it. I wasn’t passed over from getting the light; I rejected the light. I chose the void. I chose darkness.
My prose, which is untitled, wants to paint me as a tragic figure. A misunderstood, lonely, miserable person who was placed in a situation against his will. What a total load of crap. If I had gotten off my whiny little bottom and maybe looked past myself, I would have found that light. If I didn’t know better, and if I hadn’t written it to begin with, I would have said I enjoyed being depressed and (in my mind) oppressed.
We all have an empty space for the light to fill. God created that hole in our hearts that only He can occupy. We can try to fill it with the things of this world, but it never fills it up. In fact it almost feels like the hole gets larger. The hole is the perfect size for God, even though God is larger than all of His creation. Can you imagine the emptiness in our hearts and the things we try to fill it with? All the drugs, all the sex, all the television, all the alcohol, all the money, all the (insert object of earthly fulfillment here) can NEVER fill that void like the One it was made for.
I wonder…when did goth and emo become fashionable, and why didn’t we kick them out the door the minute they showed up to mope around the whole party?
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